[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
🙅🏻
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no