why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
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Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
#Caturday
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?