ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
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ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal