Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
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Never be a pizza!
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
absolutely not
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”