If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
normalize having existential bread
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing