I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.