boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE