Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
For those that worship cheese..
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.