Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Just me and my debit card against the world
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things