He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
listen closely
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
God, I love Scotland
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.