The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.