Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
🙂🙃🥹
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Made something I’m not proud of
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it