I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You’ll be OK
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.