People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
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Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I love the National Park Service.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!