Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.