Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
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One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend