Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
You Might Also Like
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
There’s only one good girl here!
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?