About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
damn he’s good
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion