Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
All. The. Damn. Time.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.