I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Selfie
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.