Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.