My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
In space, no one can hear…
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.