a fate I wish upon no one
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I need to update my racial profile.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Never be a pizza!
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.