Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My birth announcement for our third baby
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”