me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.