Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
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Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.