the saddest jazz hands ever
You Might Also Like
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“TGIM!” – My liver
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
So inspired right now.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.