ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.