If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
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No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.