I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?