Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
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Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
What a chick magnet..
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Baking is just science you can eat.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.