The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook