I can’t deal with men any longer
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INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?