when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’