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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Still laughing at this stupid meme
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.