If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
You Might Also Like
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
huge if true: the moon
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.