My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..