I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.