*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.