Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
You Might Also Like
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.