My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
You Might Also Like
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear