in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Just this preview of the story is enough
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Good point.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Steam Forums
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you