Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
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Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?