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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Shower sex be like:
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days