TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
You Might Also Like
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago