surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
No.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live