Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.