[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?