To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
You Might Also Like
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
no their not
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.