Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
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